Instead of making New Year's resolutions for 2011, I decided to choose one word that would be the intention for the rest of my life. I chose the word truth. In truth there is fear. In truth there is worry, doubt and anxiety. Yes, the truth and seeking it can be a daunting and scary. But there is something greater, more profound and enlightening in discovering the truth. In truth there is liberation, clarity, and direction. Once we clear out the fogginess of the fear of the truth the path to who we are to become is opened. The chapter once lingering open can be closed. The heaviness of the unknowing is lifted.
In seeking, discovering and knowing the truth we are set free! Although we may experience some pain or discomfort in seeking the truth, once it's revealed to us we can let go, embrace our reality and know that simply in seeking the truth we are brave. A week ago I did a DNA paternity test with my alleged father. He was the only man I'd ever known to be my father. I'd waited 41 years to know this truth. I thought about discovering the truth several times in my life but didn't have the courage to face the truth. I was afraid. I was afraid not to necessarily know but more afraid of what would happen to the relationship I had with my mother if he was not.
After finding my birth certificate in January 2011 (it took 41 years) another truth milestone, I discovered two more truths. I had lived most of my life as a Johnson (before marriage) but legally I was someone else. Last November I celebrated my birthday on the 17th yet discovered this year I was born on the 18th. Wow! the truth is something else but without knowing it we will always remain in the "unknowing" of life. I'm not angry, I don't blame anyone and besides aren't those just numbers and dates? They don't define who I am or determine the value that I bring to the world.
Back to my father story. Today I found out that there is a 0% chance that "he" my alleged father could be my father and he is not my father. This story of truth is bittersweet. It's bitter because I would have liked for this part of the journey to end here. The sweet part is that there is one more potential father option. I may just discover in this journey of truth that my best friend of 20+ years, may be in fact my 1st cousin. If this is true, I've been with my family all along and that is deliciously sweet. God works in mysterious ways and he knows what we need all the time.
One thing is 100% the truth...I've never been fatherless, the greatest father any woman could have is our heavenly father who loved me before I was conceived, cared for me as I grew and loves me unconditionally no matter what. Thank you father God, I love you!
The journey of truth continues...
BE FEARLESS!
May God be with you on your journey...
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Catrice M. Jackson, the Courage Coach™
International Keynote Speaker and Author
America's Delicious Life Expert™
For booking and coaching information visit my website. http://www.catriceology.com/
All Rights Reserved. Catrice M. Jackson Emerge Consulting, LLC © 2011.
Catrice, thanks for this very compelling post! Your story held me in a grip from the very first word...
ReplyDeleteI'm in awe of your ability to make yourself vulnerable, not after the fact but, in the midst of your journey. Your story touches home for me. My birthday is November 18. I was 41 when my mom first let me know of the difficulties she faced in choosing to have me.
I grew up with very little info about my paternity and a real sense of shame and embarrassment. As a child I learned I was abandoned by my father. He and my mom were teens apparently experimenting when she became pregnant...
For many of my adult years I felt a sense of lack/inadequacy because I didn't have my biological father's presence in my life. I've now come to terms with that by recognizing myself as divine. I chose my parents and the challenging circumstances of my birth so I could rise up and inspire others. I feel more whole now.
It took me a long time to acknowledge the parts of my life that felt "shameful and embarrassing" but those are the parts that have freed me and provided the strongest connection to women everywhere.
Know that you're an inspiration to women and men everywhere! You're a daughter of the Universe, God, Source. You are divine, whole and complete as you are. I support you in your quest for the truth. It's in truth that we find liberation.